Managing Strong-Willed Kids
As a parent, it can be difficult to navigate setting rules and boundaries with your children, especially in their teen years. As we all know teens need to exercise their independence, and usually resist being told what to do. If your teen is resistant to basic family rules or routines, you might feel compelled to enforce stricter boundaries. However, this can create a host of other issues. So the question is, how do you toe the line between rigidity and flexibility? Here are some things to keep in mind:
Pick your battles: Your child might be five minutes late to dinner or forget to fold their clothes, make their bed, or help clean up after dinner. Make your expectations clear and simple but do not nitpick. Choose the things that are most important to you, and provide slack for the less important stuff.
Make your boundaries clear: Establish your rules and boundaries clearly. This can help avoid misunderstanding or resentment, and is a great way to teach your child the importance of respecting others’ boundaries, and their own.
Consider what is realistic to discipline: Inevitably, your teen will do something that violates a rule you have in place. It really depends on the situation, but still take a moment to reflect on the value of your dissatisfaction.
Maintain calm communication: Clear, open communication is the most important thing when resolving any tension. They need to understand that you are objecting to their behavior and choices, not to them as a person. Their behavior is “bad” but they are not “bad” as a person. Huge distinction to make clear. And try to remain as calm as possible. Your kids need to feel safe being honest and sharing their feelings with you.
It is of course important that your children learn to respect rules, but it is also important that they know they have agency. Shutting your child down every time they break a rule is not productive, and ultimately doesn’t help them learn and develop emotionally. If you or your teen are feeling overwhelmed and need extra support, you can set up a consultation with Dr. Geary.
